Man's So Hot!

I want to die, I want to end it all, I want this pain to stop. I just can’t live this life anymore. I believe the world is better off without me. Don't you think I have enough valid reasons to end it all? Huh? You will soon find out. Growing up with three brothers Curtis, Leroy and Sean was no easy task though it was great to have three good-looking, intelligent and cool brothers. The competition to outdo each other just to get our fathers acceptance became a norm. Major Chris Worla; a decorated soldier, very principled, strict and a no nonsense man, very authoritative and anytime I saw him I always remembered Adolf Hitler, unfortunately he is my father. Sometimes I wonder how my mother ended up with him and I refuse to believe this is a classic tale of beauty and the beast. 

Due to my fathers principled lifestyle and strict ways there were no room for mistakes, which made life unbearable for everyone in the family especially me. My father would physically abuse me whenever my results came in though I had some A's a couple of B's and lots of C's to him it was never enough because my brothers were A+ students and I needed to meet that standard. On a good day he will verbally abuse me and call me derogatory names. He once questioned my mother if I was indeed his son. I felt pathetic when I heard him utter those words. I lost confidence in myself, I became hopeless. I knew I could never be good enough for my father because I could never match up to my brothers who were super intelligent. I found refuge in isolation to avoid being judged by grades, style and status. I knew I was at peace or so I thought.

My life became meaningful the day I bumped into Vicki, a transfer student from the University of Ghana (Legon) to AUCC. She had Cute eyes, flawless skin, long braided hair, petite physique, she looked like those models in Tyra Banks American Next Top Model TV show she looked stunning. I started to stutter in my attempt to say hi as she sat next to me. When she smiled at me I knew she was the one. Vicki and I became very close. Just like the sun rises gradually to brighten up the day the love I had for Vicki escalated. In our final year of our second semester Vicki's attitude towards me changed, I noticed her being distant and making excuses whenever I wanted to see her

It was Saturday; unannounced I decided to surprise Vicki. I went over to her house because her parents were out of town. Unfortunately for me I was actually the one who met the surprise that changed my life. Vicki lying in bed butt naked with another man. I panicked and felt a lot of heart lashes seemingly exploding and breaking the details of my internal body, my brains couldn’t process the images my eyes were sending to it, choked on words and tears running down my cheeks. That is my girl; those where the only words that could escape from my mouth. She made me feel like man's so hot, but I guess man’s not so hot.

So you see why I want to end it all. I will never be good enough for my father and no one actually loves me. Thoughts of suicide took resident in my mind. I was rarely without temptation to end it all. Like the old devil and angel on your shoulders. One screams that there’s no point, that forty more years will not change anything and it’s not worth it and I should throw in the towel. The other pleads with me to try just one more day that this isn’t that bad and that I can survive it all. I listened to the devil and I drunk poison but thank God I survived. My father apologized for being hard on me and that he loves me so much. I could have been dead right now. I wouldn’t be finishing my second year of college. I wouldn’t be able to go to release my EP, I wouldn’t have seen karma catch up with Vicki, I wouldn’t be around to see my niece grow up. And most importantly, I wouldn’t be able to share this. 

This is my story, I understand that sometimes the depression and pressure is unbearable, the question is why kill yourself? Why give up because someone didn’t see your worth? A wise man said to me “where there is life there is hope, you get to live as many times as you want don’t give up in life". If you are reading this and thinking of suicide please reconsider. I don’t know you. I've never met you and I probably never will. But let me say this to you, I love you. I accept you as you are. I understand what you are going through because I have been there. Our stories might be different but remember you are loved. You are created in Gods image, you are immeasurably valuable. You are worthy of life. People love you let them love you, because you deserve it and just so you know MAN'S SO HOT AND SO ARE YOU. I LOVE YOU